If you are the recipient of this document, you have just been propositioned for a Late Night Booty Call. By signing below, you agree to all the terms set forth within The Late Night Booty Call Agreement. The signee, (herein referred to as you, your drunk ass, or your dumb ass) and the holder of the agreement, (herein referred to as I, myself, my drunk ass or my silly ass) must both sign the agreement prior to any nookie.
Article 1: The Phone Call
There are no phone calls allowed before 11 p.m. Any phone conversation shall last for a period of no longer than 10 minutes. The purpose of said phone call is merely to agree on transportation to and the location of the booty-getting. If your drunk ass needs a cab, cab fares do not necessitate reimbursement on my behalf.
Article 2: The Bedroom
Nookie is not a 50/50 venture. It is 70% you, 30% my drunk ass. If the bedroom activity even approaches 50/50, consider it a bonus. You are likely to receive a call back. Candles, baths, and backrubs are not permitted. Save this sappy shit for your boyfriend.
Article 3: Post Orgasm
The holder of this agreement is not responsible for any conversation muttered post-climax. This conversation is usually littered with empty promises and a lot of “I’m Sorries”. Recognize this and dismiss it. I acknowledge no responsibility for the emotional impact this may have on you later.
Article 4: The Morning After
Breakfast shall consist of you being quiet only to interject occasionally to comment on my culinary prowess. Any other conversation shall serve as grounds to wrap your damn breakfast up and send you on your way.
Article 5: The Departure
Unless you plan on spending your day drinking beer and watching sports, your time would be better served elsewhere. The time of your departure shall coincide precisely with either 1) the end of breakfast or 2) the start of the 11:00 a.m. Sportscenter, whichever occurs first. However, if you enjoy drinking beer and watching sports all day, put this agreement down. I will marry you right now. You will be asked to sign an entirely different agreement.
Article 6: The Lost and Found
The holder of this agreement is not responsible for personal items left behind. Items such as scrunchees and jewelry that you use to mark your territory will be either turned into the lost and found (a.k.a. “The Date Room” located adjacent to the bathroom) or simply thrown out. Items such as bras and panties will either be turned into the lost and found or displayed proudly upon my head as I watch Sportscenter.
Article 7: Amendments
The signee forfeits the right to make any changes to the Late Night Booty Call Agreement. Any amendment to this agreement is to be discussed by both parties. After discussion, ratification shall be made by an impartial third party. The impartial third party is hereby designated to be my silly ass, when I’m sober.
By signing below, you acknowledge, understand, and agree to all terms set forth above. Any violation of the above articles will result in having your name sent to the bottom of the Booty Call List until your dumb ass demonstrates you understand the rules. You hereby release me from any responsibility for emotional distress brought on by a Late Night Booty Call. You understand that the holder of this agreement is fully incapable of sustaining any relationship with substance so it is truly better this way.
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Signee
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Holder of the agreement
